3-13-89
Cheryl,

        Why?  I mean why should I write you another letter?  Well it
occurred to me that I still have too say some things.  Damn, I'm STILL
trying to get you off of my mind and I think this will help.

        You've already told me what type of person your looking for, well
I still fit your requirement.  My requirement for the girl I want is about
the same.  Ya, I want someone that is "true" but in this case it means true
to others about me!  I'll get back to this.

        First, I want to make some corrections.  I'm sure there are more
errors in here, but it's the facts I'm trying to keep straight.

        In the first letter, I mentioned how your eyes reacted, and that it
was your pupils that expanded, the proper term would have been irises.

        The Elvis postcard that I sent you for your birthday referred to a
song.  The song was "Only Love Can Break A Heart" sung by Gene Pitney.  My
mistake was, I thought the song title was "Only Love Can Break Your Heart."

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        For your information, the dashed lines are a habit from writing
programs, ya that's what I've been doing most the time, and that's also how
I make my living.  I usually use /*---------*/'s but that's only because
the remarks have to start with a /* and end with a */.

        The other problem is, since I'm using a program editor to write
this the tabs are 8 spaces instead of 5.  Oh well.

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        I know I never sent you a letter pointing out about 19 things you
were doing, that indicated to me, you also had a crush on me.  That was one
letter that made it to the trash instead of the mailbox!  Well I'll have to
bring up one of them again.

        I know if someone else had mentioned this to you, you would have
seen it in yourself.  You'd be walking along normally and as soon as
you'd see me your walk would change.  It was as if you temporarily forgot
how to walk.  Then you'd get a cute smile on your face.  Ya, that was neat!
True, you wouldn't always smile, but when you did it was like you were
making up for the times you didn't!

        I remember when I was first learning how to drive, My Dad, older
sister and I, were walking back toward the car, and my dad offered to let me
drive.  Right afterwards, he mentioned, he could tell I was excited, because
my walk had changed.  I realized he was right because I normally took bigger
steps.  Well, your stumbling showed excitement, your smiles said love.

        Remember the time, at Ridgewood Shopping Center, when I whistled at
you.  I wanted you to see me, I wanted to see if you were going to stumble
like you always did.  You did, and I took that to mean you still thought of
me.  My reason for the whistle was not what it looked like!

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        DAMMIT, I guess I should also clear up the Wells Fargo bit.  It is
true the first few times I went up there you didn't smile.  Ya, I know I
was upsetting you a little, but I figured that as soon as you figured out
how harmless I was and how polite I was being I'd stop upsetting you.

        Part of what I was trying to say was "Don't forget about me."
Well after a while you did start to smile, after even more time you'd grin
from ear to ear right after seeing me.

        I realized that I could have also been saying other things with my
appearances, and one of the things I could have been saying still holds true.
"Your the one I'm waiting for."

        You never did tell your Mom about your change of heart.  She ended
up yelling at me.  The funny part was she had to yell at you too!!!  Ha!!!
You walked over to one of the boards and started pointing to something
like you wanted me to see it.  Then she yelled at you also!  Ya she had to
yell at you to get you to leave!!  Your Mom really is pretty funny!!!!!
I doubt if she ever figured out she was really on my side!  More later.

        I don't know if you've figured it out yet, but we felt pretty much
the same about each other.  Even that part about hating to hear a certain
name mentioned out loud.  We were both fighting it!  Please DON'T FORGET:

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      MY EXTREME INTEREST IN YOU IS ONLY BECAUSE YOU SHOWED ONE FOR ME!
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        I know some of the things you go through.  I know what you go through
to laugh at me.  You might be able to laugh but it'll end up hurting.

        I know how much stress our situation can cause.  I'll try my best
to remain distant if that's what you still want, I can handle that.

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        You, or anybody else reading this, might think I'm crazy for
writing this, but as stated earlier this is an attempt to get things off
my mind, I don't want anything to be different because of this, I only want
a chance to say some things.

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        Hmmmm, I guess it's about time you know when I decided to keep a
distance, and the only thing that can change this.

        At one time your Mom was polite to me, she told me about someone
you had mentioned at school, I didn't think she was referring to me.  The
trouble is when I tried to get the rest of the story from you, you blew up!

        I mean it was like I mentioned something that I wasn't supposed to
know about!  You quickly jumped on your mom and got her to deny saying what
she did.  I had no idea, that it might have been me she had talked about,
but the way you reacted sure made it look that way.

        THIS was the episode that turned me off the most!  Here you were,
denying any interest in me, when everything you did during 11th and 12th
grades indicated one hell of an interest!

        I remember thinking "Man, I don't want this.  When she grows up, or
maybe after a few years, she'll be able to let me know she cares."  From
this moment on I decided I had other things to do with my life and that
I'd have to wait for you to get a hold of me.

        As far as being grown up is concerned, there are so many different
areas where a person can be grown up.  Take for instance Arlen's ability to
reason, I consider this being grown up, yet that is something I've NEVER seen
in your mother.  She claims she's grown up but I don't believe her.  You
might hate me for that remark, so what, it's one of those things that was
bound to come out sooner or later.

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        One of the things your mother said, still rings in my ears.  While
in the courtroom, your mother said, I had a big mouth.  Well, in this letter,
I will end up proving she's got one.

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        My phone calls to your Mother's house were only saying I was still
waiting, and I didn't want you to forget about me.  I feel kindof silly
saying this but, the only way we would ever go out is if you asked me.

        I didn't care that your mom would throw the phone down on me, as a
matter of fact, that was the easiest way out!  True, I did lose patience once
and tried asking you out.  I ended up having a string of bad luck, that was
like something trying to tell me, "You shouldn't be doing that."

        The first time I did ask you out was only because I didn't want to
go to that Kreskin thing alone, turns out I went with my brother.

        The next time I asked you out was really more of a line, I mean
think about it.  "How would you like to go to New York for 3 weeks in 3
weeks."  But your line was even better, you said "When?", then something
about How am I suppose to go like this? (Referring to how pregnant you were).
I didn't really want to go, I just wanted to say something to let you know
I was still interested.

        Point I'm trying to make is ... I don't care if you ever go out with
me.  As a matter of fact, if I'm the one that had to do the asking, it'll
just piss me off!  If I have to be aggressive to get a girl, I don't want one.
You might not understand, if getting a girl requires this type of effort then
I'd be forever trying for a better girl!  Man that scares me!

        I'm all for the idea of letting them know I'm interested and then
leaving it up to them,  I mean the very least you could have done is acted
interested, well you did, but not over the phone!

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                          Way back machine.  (You might have heard these.)
                          -----------------

        As for any times that you told me you didn't want anything to do with
me, well, that one time I tried to talk to you in the hallway, you just said
"No", and I don't blame you, because it really was a bad place to talk.

        As for any other times, well up to the broken-nose it'd ALWAYS been
your Mom that did your talking.  DAMN thing is, I was asking for you and she
yelled to you, "You don't want to talk to him?" and you said "NO".  Your mom
threw down the phone on me before I got to point out it was a double negative.
Ya what you had just said is you DID want to talk to me!  On that one
I have to consider your Mom just being an ---hole.  Pardon me but
that's the way it happened.  That's the way I remember it!

        Then the first phone call after the barroom scene when you were
back at your Mother's house.  You said something about "remember when I
didn't talk to you."  You were trying to point out that now you were talking
to me.  Well, NO I don't remember you ever doing that, I remember how much
trouble I had hanging up the phone on you because you kept talking and
talking.  Again, it's always taken your Mother to talk for you.

        I don't care about how things are now,
          I don't want to talk to you now, I don't want to hear your voice.

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        As a matter of fact, because of your threats of Court action, and
your hanging up the phone on me, the way I've always wanted it is REALLY
the only way it can be!

        Oh man, I know it'll never happen, but just incase, don't call,
don't write, send flowers first, REAL flowers not paper.  You might think
that line is funny, but there is a reason for this!  That's the Next Point.

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                        Where the KARMA could lie.
                        --------------------------

        I'm glad you were the one to bring this up.  Well, I lived through
it a second time, long before seeing your step dad up close.

        Instead of going through the whole thing, I'll try to make it brief.
As a matter of fact, it's pretty similar to what's happened this time around.

        Remember this is something I've relived.  You were being friendly
toward me, I was being friendly back.  After we parted you went back and
talked to some other people.  I don't remember your exact words, but
they made it look like I was only trying to take advantage of you.  Next
thing I saw was two people headed toward me.  I remember the scene all too
well, It was a place that lacked anything modern.

        Anyway, before I was even given a chance to talk, I found myself
outside of that body.  After leaving, I remember feeling relieved and thinking
well if that's the way she's going to be, she can't do anything else against
me now.  My feelings are still the same, I only wanted to see you happy.

        In other words, your actions toward me, in that lifetime, caused two
people to take the life of an innocent boy.  That also explains to me,
why it's so important that I keep a distance from you, or until you can tell
others how polite I really am toward you, and I have NEVER mistreated you!

        On top of that, I won't be able to trust you until you tell others,
you do care!  The reason for your doing this the first time is about the same.
I know how much your mom has put you down for having an interest in me, and
your afraid of being laughed at.

        Frankly, I don't expect you to ever make amends.  I expect this same
episode to repeat in another two thousand years, and then you to declare
bankruptcy on this Karma.  You know it'll only hurt worse the next time!
My only relief is, I know why I've had to go through certain things.

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                                VIEWPOINT
                                ---------

        If I seem to be putting your Mom down, well I do understand that she
thinks she's doing what's best for you.  You're the one that has to be honest
with yourself and others, regardless of how much ridicule you might receive.

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        Back to the part where your Mom said one thing and then denied it.
Since you STILL might not believe me I'll point something else your mom has
said since then.  I don't have to go through a whole list I think one or two
will be enough.

        It was Tina Cline Fletcher that told me about your stay at Franciscan.
She also told me that you had told your Mom, not to tell anyone about it!
She was telling me things, that your Mom had told her, that you told her NOT
to tell!  See?

        Tina did stress that she wasn't supposed to know about certain
things, and that your mother had gone ahead and told her anyway!  It was
kind of sickening to see the grin on Tina's face.  There was some other
story also, but I guess I'll never know that one.

        I'll bet your mom will deny talking to Tina!  Or Tina will deny
talking to me!  Well if you still don't believe your Mom is a broadcaster of
ALL the news, regardless of what you ask for, well that's up to you.  The
trouble there is, it's been your Mom's actions that prompted some of mine.

        Your Mom had blamed me for a bunch of things, like you losing your
job.  It wasn't till I happened to run into Tina that I found out how much
had happened!  I also figured out why your step-dad kept calling me a fag.

        You kept trying to act like you didn't care about me and then this
was like having your feelings published!  Dumb thing was, I already knew.
All I could really do is wait.

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        Oh ya, one more point to show that your Mother does have a Big Mouth.
It was her that told someone I knew that you were living at Mobet Meadows.
I went out there later and found out which lot number!  So you can
thank your Mother for letting me know where you were!

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                        More lies uncovered.
                        --------------------

        I NEVER bothered your Mom at work.  It was her that scolded me!
DAMMIT if she, or your step-dad, could have EVER been reasonable, I wouldn't
have gone there!  Shit, all I wanted to say, was if you wanted to call me,
I was going to make it easier on you, by having my own phone line put in.
She blew up, that's where she called me infatuated, and made a bunch more
threats of violence!

        She admitted to me, that she was thinking of going home, and telling
you that I could cause her to lose her job!  What a LIE!  She told me that
her boss would understand!  Then in the courtroom she says, all I kept saying
was "What did I do, what did I do?"  THAT WAS A LIE ALSO!  I'm sure she hadn't
thought of that part until after she used the first lie to twist your arm!
Ya, she had to twist your arm, for you to call me, and tell me off!

        That was the same thing she said I kept saying when I got my nose
broken, fact is I only got to say it once and your step-dad came tearing out
the door saying, "you harassed my wife!"  I never got to say my second line!

        The line was "What did I do that can't be undone?"  I know DAMN well
what I did!  I kept the flame you had toward me burning.  Then when you gave
me another one of your "not interested" scenes, I broke loose!

        I told myself right after the barroom scene that, you'd have to
really do something to get my interest back.  Well, that bit about going into
the mental hospital mentioning my name was enough.

        I have still never become involved with ANYBODY, Male or Female.
This FAG stuff, that I'd get from your step-dad, was funny because it said
you had your sex changed, and I didn't know about it!

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            Now comes something else I've never told you.
            ---------------------------------------------

        With all the fuss, your Mom and Tina ended up making about you and
your problems, well I figured the very least I could do is let them take it
out on me some way.  I'm like that, I let people do what they want, I don't
really have to worry about anything, it all comes out in the wash!

        Anyway, since all the stories I got from Tina and Your Mom said that
you went to Franciscan because of me, well the least I could do for you was
that episode with the Nose-breaker.

        I didn't plan on losing the jury trial, fact is I'd even planned on
getting you into court so I could propose to you.  Turns out I got an answer
just the same.

        What changed my mind was when I saw you light up that cigarette!

                          I HATE SMOKERS!!!

   I don't care how PERFECT you are, if you going to make me breathe smoke,
          STAY AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
                               Thanks.

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                          Where it stands now.
                          --------------------

        Hmmmm, this whole letter boils down to, I'll leave you alone if that's
your wish.  Don't tell me off, just ignore me like you've been doing.

        With all the events that have happened between us, it's impossible
to do anything at all from here.  But if you wish a change, it'll have to
start with:

     1.  Flowers, either to my mothers house or to work.
         Red Roses to work would be fine.  Oh and don't wait too long,
         I plan on finally moving out this year, maybe days away from here.

     2.  Hire a marriage councilor to help with our initial correspondence.
         You know, one of these bits, where you talk to the person one day,
         me another, then you again, on and on till something happens.

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        Because most of this letter deals with saying you cared, well lets
just say you really didn't for once.  Have I violated your rights as a
person?  Have I ever tried to use force?  NO WAY!!!  I never will either!

        It took me YEARS of patience to put a smile on your face.  You think
I'm going to blow the whole thing by trying to move too fast?  No WAY!!!!!!!

        I'll NEVER try too hard, it frightens me to think of how I might look
through your eyes if I ever did!  This means I won't try any advances at all!
I don't want to know anything about you, I won't interfere with your privacy.

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        Again, let's say you don't care, well I'm left with the words:

        "I'm sorry, I mistook you for someone I shared a love with,
         I thought she was here."

        You do remind me alot about her.  And if she happens to be watching,
        I think she'll be happy to see how well I've treated a look alike.
        
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        You know this hurts me, it's like saying goodbye, but there is
        NOTHING ELSE I can do!  NOTHING!  Man, I hope I haven't forgotten
        to say anything.  If I have, I'll just have to bite my tongue, if
        I were to do anything else, it'd be like throwing dirt on a fire
        that's already out!

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        My best wishes to you and your family, I know this release of my
thoughts will help to give me more time for other people.  I also hope that
you will be able to live out the rest of your life being happy.

                        And Thank You again Cheryl,



                                                Roger